Help Wanted Needed

by Andrea Mulder-Slater

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Our house sold, five days after it went up for sale, and the closing date is closing in on us. T minus twenty-two days.

The studio is open for the season, websites need to be coddled and my daughter has developed a mystery rash (could it be hives, maybe eczema? what the hell is that above her ear?) The cause of  the itchy mess remains unknown, although we have narrowed it down to a number of culprits including but not limited to: dogs, eggs, cheese, strawberries, oranges, air and my anxiety levels.

So, I have made a decision.

I need a personal assistant. Soon. Very soon. Trouble is, no one is responding to my personal ad. Perhaps it needs a little work...

Wanted: Personal Assistant

Successful applicant must be able to:

  • Do all my work (if at all possible, better than me).
  • Screen all my telephone calls.
  • Organize my life (preferably using IKEA shelving units and those cute little baskets with the fabric inserts).
  • Deal with all incoming email messages.
  • Play Lexulous and or Scrabble with all my facebook friends. Must win all games.
  • Attend all meetings in my stead.
  • Make all the right decisions, all of the time.
  • Arrange travel and accommodations for me – even when I have no place to go.
  • Understand the ins and outs of all of my computer programs and telepathically transfer all knowledge to me – as necessary.
  • Twitter, update my facebook status, redesign my blog, etc.
  • Make, buy and (on occasion) drink my coffee.
  • Reason with my 2-1/2 year old daughter while calmly saying no to unreasonable repeated requests like "I want to eat my blueberries in the sandbox".
  • Check and open my mail – must be able to file important letters and transform all junk mail into functional handmade baskets, or jewelry (depending on the texture of the paper).
  • Locate my lost socks. All of them.
  • Make delicious snacks like Mocha Cake and "Coffee met Slagroom".
  • Workout on my behalf to burn the associated slagroom calories.
  • Complete other duties as needed.
Salary: commensurate with experience.

Truthfully I can't pay a dime, but the experience you will gain is priceless.

No, really.

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