You better watch out...

by Andrea Mulder-Slater

When I was a teenager, I worked in a record store located in the downtown core of a rapidly growing city. Beside the store was a run-down hotel where lived an assortment of characters – many of whom had an appreciation for Elvis Presley music and heavy metal t-shirts.

I still remember the time an exotic dancer came in to purchase a Metallica shirt. She asked if she could try it on. We had no change room so I suggested instead that she buy it and return it if it wasn’t a good fit. Instead, she removed her sweater – the only piece of clothing separating her bare skin from the patrons in the crowded store - and proceeded to don the t-shirt. It fit – thank God, much to the dismay of several young boys who had been flipping through the vinyl.

It wasn’t the only time I saw someone naked at the record store.

Source: http://www.amazon.com
One evening, a man in an oversize Santa suit came into the store. Not a completely unusual event – we usually saw several folks in St. Nick costumes throughout the month of December – and occasionally other times of the year as well. Remember the exotic dancer?

This particular gentleman was built right for the part. The beard was his own and his belly needed no additional padding. Even so, he swam in the outfit as he wandered through the aisles… the pungent aroma of sweat and booze filling the air. Customers came and went as the man stumbled past the brand new compact disc displays, back towards the cassette tapes and classical vinyl. Then, it happened. Santa’s slacks fell down. I called my supervisor from the back of the store to offer assistance.

These would have helped - tremendously.
My boss suggested to the man that he perhaps head home for a rest. The man obliged, pulled his pants up and wandered out of the store. When he stepped onto the sidewalk, he tripped and went down, white butt up, red pants down, but not before at least a dozen full-sized vinyl records flew out from under his coat. The store manager and I couldn’t believe our eyes. Santa had been shoplifting and we were all too focused on his nudity to notice. Clever bugger.

In keeping with the season – and my story - here are some unique works of art inspired by Santa. You’re welcome. 

First, here's a lovely starfish ornament, painted by Jen in Oklahoma City. I hope she made sure the starfish was - y'know, deceased - before drying it in the oven, unlike some friends of mine who's house smelled like charred fish for a week.

Here, Santa looks a little skinny - and kind of scared.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/61239252/starfish-santa-ornament

Then,  there's this solid, glittery fellow created by Donna Curtin from New York...

Now that’s a jollier Santa.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/87632641/santa-star-christmas-pin

Meanwhile, nothing says Christmas like a mooning Santa ornament. Am I right? Dee from Arlington Texas made this little wonder. I think Dee from Arlington, Texas and I could become fast friends.

I include this one because it helps to illustrate my tale. 
This is a little what it looked like that night at the record store.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/86222426/mooning-santa-claus

Oh wait, here's a clearer view. That's better.
And if that's not wicked enough for you. Check out what else Dee has up her sleeve. Mrs Claus - not you too?! Oh my. Dee also makes flowers and pooping reindeer, but that's another story.

Who's naughty? We're naughty.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/86097431/mr-mrs-naughty-santa-claus-polymer-clay
And finally, Sudarsan Pattnaik from India creates insanely amazing sculptures made of sand. Here is his take on the jolly old elf. He looks pretty relaxed, yes?

The largest sand Santa in the world. I hope he's just resting...
http://www.sandartindia.com/photo.html




No, really.

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