Christmas is just a few days away and, well here's the thing. I didn't get you a gift. I started to do some baking but after making several batches of cookies for my neighbors, I ran out of cinnamon and honestly, going to the supermarket to buy more is just hard.
Here for you instead is a list of my most read posts from 2012. By most read, I mean that they were viewed by more people than you might find in a grocery store. On a Saturday. Except for this one particular Publix in Tallahassee. A LOT of people shop there.
Enjoy. Maybe? And Merry Christmas. Everyone.
Also, I lied. I did get you something. It's at the bottom of this list. You're welcome.
How to out-crazy a school bus bully
Cozy up while I explain how apeshit is way worse than batshit.
Is that a stye in your eye or are you flirting with me
Where my eye took a leave of absence from my head.
Tampons are not toys
Seriously. They aren't. What kind of parent are you anyway?
Between you, me and the girls
Yeah, so I almost flashed a truck driver. What about it?
There were ten in the bed - and then things got weird
This is where I draw you in with a headline...
Another reason to keep my mouth shut
Like I needed another one.
Lose 10 pounds in 10 minutes. And find them somewhere else.
I didn't have to look very far.
And that is why the modeling career didn't pan out
We all have our sad moments of realization. This is mine.
Remarkably good penmanship - for a deer
If I could talk to the animals... I'd just send Geoff instead.
It snot, what you think?
Then again, it might be exactly what you think.
I didn't take a babymoon. You're welcome.
Because really, no one deserves to be exposed to what was going on with my body.
Potato chips and antiseptic
If you've never had a date in the emergency room, well then you're just not living right.
What would Mary pin?
An introduction to Pinterest, with the help of my friends from the Mary Tyler Moore show. And they say I don't have a grip on reality.
Chickens freak me out
No lead in necessary. They. Freak. Me. Out.
Damn you Tim Roth. Damn you.
Remember that time, when Tim Roth interrupted my sleep? I do.
Oh crap, that's no elephant...
Herein you discover how easy it is to mistake a pile of crap, for a hat. I couldn't make this shit up.
Strangers sharing garbage - it's a beautiful thing
Where my mom and I dump our crap on the side of the road.
Kathy Griffin, have I got a job for you
Because she's not busy enough already. I'm guessing.
Thanks for reading me! Here's your present.
I've been practicing my ass off, so I hope you like it.