I woke up this morning to the sounds of a calm middle-aged woman telling me that my house might be on fire.
Apparently, our smoke alarm talks, which theoretically is not a bad thing. However, the voice inside our detector is a female version of HAL, from 2001: A Space Odyssey. Her voice is so damn soothing, she might as well have been singing a freaking lullaby this morning, because after the initial jolt of hearing the beep, I started to drift back off to sleep. And, (I’m not sure because after all, I was asleep but...) I think I heard her say, "It can only be attributable to human error.
Clearly, the smoke alarm people picked the wrong voice over actress for the job of announcer. Instead of using the voice of HAL, as played by Bambi’s mother, they should have hired, oh I don’t know… Kathy Griffin.
You tell me. What would you rather hear while your house is aflame?
“Um, excuse me. Fi-eye-ur. Tra, la, la. Smoke… detected. I think we’ll call him Bambi. I'm afraid I can't do that Dave.”
“HOLY EFFING CRAP! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! GRAB YOUR KIDS, GRAB YOUR PETS, GO! GO! GO!”
Yeah, me too. What I want (what I need) from my smoke detector is Kathy Griffin screaming like a banshee. That… would get anyone moving in a hurry. And really, isn’t that what a fire alarm is supposed to do? I hate to think of what our carbon monoxide detector says when, and if the harmful gas is filling up the house.
“Yoohoo everybody. Wake up. Please.”
Still, the strange voice in the living room was enough to fully wake my daughter, who crawled in bed beside me asking, “Who is that lady mommy?” One thing’s for sure honey… it ain’t Kathy Griffin.
Oh yeah, and our house wasn’t on fire. Thankfully.
It was just Geoff.