And that is why the modeling career didn't pan out...

by Andrea Mulder-Slater

Years ago - while on vacation in Ocean City, Maryland - a photographer approached me and asked if I would pose for a shoot he was working on. The client was a surf shop and all I had to do was sit on a board with a guy named Gabriel (or Mike, or something). 

It was all very professional. I signed a form. My wardrobe consisted of my own jeans, a surf shirt, a hat worn backwards and a pair of Chuck Taylors. There was a crew, sort of. A girl was holding one of those aluminum foil umbrella things and there was a kid standing by to shoo the seagulls away. A tourist stopped to take pictures.

I have to admit though; I figured the whole thing was bogus, until, a few weeks later when a copy of the ad (as it appeared in the The Baltimore Sun) arrived in my mailbox. It was the beginning of a lucrative modeling career. Not for me you understand. But I think the guy that sat on the surfboard with me went on to do big things. 

The problem is, I’m not (nor have I ever been) model material and now that I'm forty, I think it's time for me to give the dream up once and for all. Sorry Tyra. The issue is obvious. I'm the opposite of photogenic, plus, I don’t take direction well – especially when a camera is involved.

Case in point… recently, I had to have some shots taken for a writing assignment and all I can say is, thank you baby Jesus for digital cameras with giant memory cards.

I was going for "friendly, approachable blogger", but instead I ended up with this.

 If I wanted to shoot a diva, I would 
have pointed a pistol at Beyonce.
 
That was the best of the outdoor pictures. As you can imagine, everyone involved was very disappointed. It was decided that an indoor shoot might produce better results.

  I was going for drunken Dutch girl here. 
I think I nailed it.

  Can you do crazy eyes? 
YES! I can do crazy eyes. 
That I can do.

Oh dear God. Don't try to be cute. Just don't. 
Really. Stop it. You're forty.

This is my smart but sexy pose. 
It's a miracle I'm married.

This is me channeling Christina Aguilera.  
"I am beautiful, no matter what they say..."  
It didn't work. Clearly. 

It was getting late. 
I thought my breasts might have tried to escape. 
But they were still there. Thankfully.



Can you look friendly? Nevermind.
 Well, then can you at least tilt your head so we can 
see your viciously huge left ear? 
OK. Perfect!


 This is NOT what Tyra Banks means 
when she says "Look fierce."
And enough with the crazy eyes. Seriously. 

Eventually, no... miraculously, I managed to sit still with my mouth shut and my eyes steady long enough to have a half decent photo taken. The antihistamine pills helped tremendously. I highly recommend them.

Meanwhile... I found the the surf shop photo - otherwise known as the last picture of me where I don't look like Chandler in that "engagement photo" Friends episode.




 No, really.

2 comments

  1. I am so sorry but I was laughing out loud while reading this and when I scrolled down to the outdoor shot I thought I was going to fall off my chair laughing. Great way to start my morning! I think you did want me to laugh, right? totally entertaining!

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