Happy New Year! I don't know about you but I had a pretty exciting 2013 filled with what those who run a lot refer to as "personal bests".
For example, I ate a piece of candied sturgeon and didn't spit it out in my napkin. And, I successfully grew out my asymmetrical haircut, made a box of Turtles chocolates last longer than my previous record of two days and went without coffee for 16 hours.
Also, my blog was nominated for a Canadian Weblog Award!
http://t.co/83Pa6hZ3ja from @amulderslater has been nominated in the 2013 @CanWeblogAwards!
— Can Weblog Awards (@CanWeblogAwards) October 27, 2013
That alone was pretty cool but then, I discovered I was shortlisted in the Humor category (along with some fantastically witty - and published - authors). Clearly, someone had made a mistake.
When the winners were announced, I found out that my blog came in 4th place. Or possibly 5th. But as they say, it was an honor to even be invited to the party. Incidentally, I don't know who they are but I'm pretty sure they're drunk.
But that's not all. Somewhere along the line, my name was mixed up with someone else's. There could be no other explanation as to why some ridiculously funny people started following me on Twitter. And by ridiculously funny I mean...
And The Bloggess!
I know, right? And believe me, nothing brings on a wicked case of writer's block like having a few famous followers. I've felt it creeping in for months now. No, that's not true. I've been watching that motherf*%#er speed through the air, towards my head, after having fallen out of a passing aircraft traveling at 30,000 feet...
BANG! (or BOOM! whichever)
Still, I've managed to crank out some posts which were (according to my stats) read by people from USA, Canada, China, England, Germany, France, Russia, The Netherlands and the Ukraine. I'm big in the Ukraine. Here for you now, are the 10 most read posts of 2013.
Top 10 Blog Posts of 2013
10. Shhh... it happens
This post is responsible for a massive sales run on the Doggie Doo game. I'm guessing. I have no proof.
9. I've got friends in low places
This is where I should have also mentioned that I have a tendency to pee while jogging. Actually, that's not true. I don't jog.
8. Relax. Don't do it.
As it happens, meditation is hazardous to my health.
7. We're on a rural route to nowhere or somewhere, depending
A convoluted stream of consciousness where I channel James Burke while making connections between fashion designers, computers and Max & Ruby. Why this is one of the most read posts of the year is a mystery. In fact, skip it. You'll be better off.
6. Stage fright
Have you ever embarrassed yourself in front of a live studio audience? I have.
5. A Dear John letter to my immune system
A love letter, written in snot.
4. Stop me if you've seen this one before
Here I demonstrate how too "Buy High and Sell Low" with expected results. For further clarification, also see: The princess and the pea (brain).
3. This is a tutorial, but not for boy scouts
Building on the popularity of the great "tampon firestarter" post of 2012, is this unhelpful helpful guide to tying knots.
2. Hat head
It's no secret. My head is enormous.
1. Don't follow us, we'll follow you
It's a miracle they let me into Holland. Also, it's a miracle they let me out, (because... Under thug, see me).
Meanwhile, I would like to make note of some honorable mentions. Which is weird because this wasn't a contest or a pageant or a dance competition. Still, I feel the need to remind you of the following posts because really, they are like public service announcements that could save your life. Possibly.
Don't touch it! DON'T TOUCH IT!--
-Never f*#k with a turtle.
What you know, can kill you
-Near death. A reenactment.
With a cluck cluck here and a cluck cluck there
-You never know when you might need to "rest" a chicken.
Holidays will do that to you...
-This is a once in a lifetime chance to see me in my pajamas.
And that's all she wrote. Thanks for reading. Seriously. And for those who have recently and (obviously) accidentally discovered my blog while searching for "naked Santa", "headless insects", "hamsters in dinosaur costumes", "hung men in skinny jeans" and "babymoons"... I'm truly sorry.