That is one badass farm

by Andrea Mulder-Slater

My daughter is crazy about tiny plastic toys. It’s an obsession that began just after she turned 2 years old. I blame the owners of Sundog Books in Seaside, Florida for getting her hooked. That’s where she first saw them... a large round basket full of 'em. We're talking a massive collection of dogs, cats, birds, snakes, bees and beyond - designed to keep the kids occupied, so parents can stand around pretending to read Noam Chomsky books. For those who don't know, Seaside is a beautiful, but exclusive place with lots of expensive people running around. How we made it past the imaginary gates, is still a mystery (to the guards).

In any case, from that day on, we’ve fed the girl’s habit by purchasing a crap load of fake creatures. Sometimes, she takes baths with them. And sometimes, they become part of her nana’s sculptures.  Like this one which I like to call, "Frog. Dog. Love".

Last year, someone bought her a set of plastic dinosaur toys. It might have been me. Or her nana. Either way, she was immediately fascinated with the box and became even more enchanted once the lid popped off and all the “sauruses” fell out onto the floor.

Beneath the dinos, the manufacturer had generously stuffed several gray plastic rock-like lumps and a number of greenish shrub-type bits. Thoughtful, right? But then things got strange. At the bottom of the container,  filled with prehistoric playthings, were six bridges... solid, perfectly constructed bridges.

Now, I’m no natural science expert, but from what I can recall from my 6th grade science class (which isn’t much), dinosaurs didn’t have any structures at their disposal that might have helped them to traverse rivers, ravines or gullies.

I decided this must have been a mistake - an isolated incident. But then I discovered something that I think might lead me - well, all of us really - to the real answers. I’m talking about information you were never given in elementary school.

Pay attention. This is serious. And awesome.

The following is a photograph of a playmat, which came with (yet another) tube full of plastic toys that someone gave to the 3 year old for Christmas. It might have been me.

Have a look and see if you notice anything odd.

No? Well, let's take a closer look. Here we have a cow, grazing by a log bridge, just up the hill from... a lion. A lion???!! Oh wait, there's a wooden gate. That makes it safe.

And here -- some sheep, safely contained in a fenced in area while just down the path, past the rock wall and over a bridge, we have a hippopotamus and... a leopard. This is one badass farm. And it gets worse.

In this detail, near a stand of trees, there is a giraffe, the same pair of sheep and two prehistoric dinosaur-type creatures. Take notice of the fences, pathways, bridges, gravel pit and, what is that --- a river of blood?

Back to that lonely cow, who in addition to the lion downwind of him, has a dinosaur creeping up from behind a waterfall. At least it's a brontosaurus. Those are herbivores, right?

All of this leads to one thing. Confusion. Or fear. Is someone trying to tell me something? Is this some sort of prophetic image? Are those "who know" trying to get a message across to the rest of us, via the children of the world? I believe the answer is yes. And I think I know what the message is...

Quit buying crap from The Bargain Shop.

No, really.

This post's first title was "That is one bad ass farm"

Now, I can't be certain, but I think a bad ass farm is far different from a badass farm. Same words - very different meanings.

A bad ass farm might be interesting to talk about - but not really where I was going with this rant.  

"What might a bad ass farm look like?" I joked to Geoff.  

"I'll let you know in about five minutes," he said, (laptop in hand).

I'm still waiting...

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